This is a follow-up from my original blog "Little Napoleons" .... Last week's emotions started at angry, moved into irrational, added a dash of crazy, and ended with compassion. I can take little to no credit for ending on a high note. Instead, I talked my husband's ear off, cycled 45 miles, and did Zumba because it really makes no sense to subject ones self to ridiculous dance moves that look like you're having a seizure.
Then after sheer exhaustion and humiliation, I picked up a book my father-in-law wrote The Via Crucis and read this, "To get rid of ones enemy, one must love ~ Leo Tolstoy."
Of course this is such a terrible idea initially because what one should really do is stab their enemy right???? Or at the very least call them names and rally a crowd to cheer for me!!! Yes, bring the fanfare!!!
No, no .. let's talk about my enemy Goliath. Goliath is that person at work that I was forced to have lunch with, even though I protested and demanded my own way! This person has hurt many people and succeeded in making me look foolish for about a week. This person also ... is .. and they .. but ... and this list goes on and on. Me, my boss, Goliath, and Goliath's boss sat awkwardly in the sunlight outside of a Mediterranean restaurant for an hour and a half. The conversation started like any good ole' BS business conversation by tiptoeing around the pink elephant in the room. No one wanted to admit why we were there, and no on likes to be the first guy to talk about the pink elephant. It's like that stupid elementary statement, "The first one to smell it, dealt it??!!!" Yeah, it's like that ... you call out the pink elephant, so it must be yours.
I wish I could tell you I was graceful in the beginning and didn't act butt-hurt when we first sat down. I wish I could tell you that I was not icy and showed grace and compassion. I just wasn't. I wanted to be mean and spiteful. Then I remembered I had texted a good friend of mine prior to sitting down and asked if she would pray. Pray she did because the Holy Spirit showed up ... and then the ice started to melt. (Trust me, I was trying my best to stay icy ... even attempted to move to the shade.) From there I called out the pink elephant and just simply owned it ...
If we had been on the battle field and I was David, it would have looked like this ... Here is Goliath about to stomp on me, I have my little stones and a pretty big ego, I am getting ready to shoot that stone right into Goliath's eye, and then I realize Goliath has a bleeding wound on the side and isn't trying to hurt me, but wants relief from the pain, the audience, and just wants to run over me to get the hell out of dodge. Goliath is looking for a place to hide because everyone is looking, whispering, ridiculing, and jeering.
The wounds that Goliath exhibited at lunch were caused by my disrespect, by abuse from family, from failed relationships, by insecurity, and years of loneliness and fear.
I know the story of Goliath and I'm sure you do too. We all know how David used his stones to bring down the giant. But for this tale bringing down Goliath did not mean I needed to throw stones. It did not mean I got to demand my own way, and it certainly did not mean I got to use Goliath's words against Goliath. Instead, bringing down Goliath meant that I had to apologize for any hurt that I caused, that I drew healthy boundaries, and that I move forward to learn how to love and serve this person. What I should have been doing the whole time was place a bandage over those open wounds, not shown anyone these faults, and take the time to see this broken soul.
I thought I brought Goliath down last week, but instead Goliath brought me down. I thought I knew love, and know not an ounce. I thought this journey got easier, but instead the path grows narrower. May the Lord have mercy upon me and may it be many days before I face another Goliath.
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