This is a follow-up from my original blog "Little Napoleons" .... Last week's emotions started at angry, moved into irrational, added a dash of crazy, and ended with compassion. I can take little to no credit for ending on a high note. Instead, I talked my husband's ear off, cycled 45 miles, and did Zumba because it really makes no sense to subject ones self to ridiculous dance moves that look like you're having a seizure.
Then after sheer exhaustion and humiliation, I picked up a book my father-in-law wrote The Via Crucis and read this, "To get rid of ones enemy, one must love ~ Leo Tolstoy."
Of course this is such a terrible idea initially because what one should really do is stab their enemy right???? Or at the very least call them names and rally a crowd to cheer for me!!! Yes, bring the fanfare!!!
No, no .. let's talk about my enemy Goliath. Goliath is that person at work that I was forced to have lunch with, even though I protested and demanded my own way! This person has hurt many people and succeeded in making me look foolish for about a week. This person also ... is .. and they .. but ... and this list goes on and on. Me, my boss, Goliath, and Goliath's boss sat awkwardly in the sunlight outside of a Mediterranean restaurant for an hour and a half. The conversation started like any good ole' BS business conversation by tiptoeing around the pink elephant in the room. No one wanted to admit why we were there, and no on likes to be the first guy to talk about the pink elephant. It's like that stupid elementary statement, "The first one to smell it, dealt it??!!!" Yeah, it's like that ... you call out the pink elephant, so it must be yours.
I wish I could tell you I was graceful in the beginning and didn't act butt-hurt when we first sat down. I wish I could tell you that I was not icy and showed grace and compassion. I just wasn't. I wanted to be mean and spiteful. Then I remembered I had texted a good friend of mine prior to sitting down and asked if she would pray. Pray she did because the Holy Spirit showed up ... and then the ice started to melt. (Trust me, I was trying my best to stay icy ... even attempted to move to the shade.) From there I called out the pink elephant and just simply owned it ...
If we had been on the battle field and I was David, it would have looked like this ... Here is Goliath about to stomp on me, I have my little stones and a pretty big ego, I am getting ready to shoot that stone right into Goliath's eye, and then I realize Goliath has a bleeding wound on the side and isn't trying to hurt me, but wants relief from the pain, the audience, and just wants to run over me to get the hell out of dodge. Goliath is looking for a place to hide because everyone is looking, whispering, ridiculing, and jeering.
The wounds that Goliath exhibited at lunch were caused by my disrespect, by abuse from family, from failed relationships, by insecurity, and years of loneliness and fear.
I know the story of Goliath and I'm sure you do too. We all know how David used his stones to bring down the giant. But for this tale bringing down Goliath did not mean I needed to throw stones. It did not mean I got to demand my own way, and it certainly did not mean I got to use Goliath's words against Goliath. Instead, bringing down Goliath meant that I had to apologize for any hurt that I caused, that I drew healthy boundaries, and that I move forward to learn how to love and serve this person. What I should have been doing the whole time was place a bandage over those open wounds, not shown anyone these faults, and take the time to see this broken soul.
I thought I brought Goliath down last week, but instead Goliath brought me down. I thought I knew love, and know not an ounce. I thought this journey got easier, but instead the path grows narrower. May the Lord have mercy upon me and may it be many days before I face another Goliath.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Little Napoleons....
So, why the title? Because being a Christian just plain sucks sometimes. Turning the other cheek, loving your neighbor, giving up your finances, and a whole other laundry list of 'selfless' items we are supposed to check off during this journey. This blog isn't for everyone. For example: grammar genius', politically correct individuals, co-workers, family members, anyone offended by cursing, and no one with an average sense of humor. Because the truth be told, all blogs are really for the author ... a safe place to vent, curse, cry, love, hate, and feel all God-given emotions. I'm quite sure I will offend someone, if not everyone at one point in my life, but isn't that what our true nature is anyway? Offensive, sinful, and downright selfish? So, if I've somehow pinpointed you in the last few sentences you may want to stop reading now, or continue at your own risk. Nevertheless, you have been warned .. my disclaimer does not come with apologies, at least, not tonight.
Where was I? Oh yes, it's been an awful shxxxxxy week. (I don't even know how to spell that word, so I added a few extra x's to prove my point). I was called unprofessional and was reprimanded for an email I had sent. You would think that after my tirade above, it was something similar, but it really wasn't. I had entered into a situation where I felt I needed to protect my co-worker and sent an email trying to defend her. Who cares about the details .... the point is, this all stems from a little Napoleon.
Do you know what I'm talking about? That person at work who is probably smaller than you, and wishes they were about 15 feet tall with a huge penis? Yes, you know that person, male or female. This little Nap (because typing Napoleon takes forever, like just now) has been a sticky thorn in my side for about a year, or more like a zit on my butt that I cannot reach but (ha!) I can sense all the time. This individual is manipulating, deceitful, mean-spirited, etc ... but is so nice on the surface, with a sweet voice, that disliking the Nap would be like kicking Santa Claus in the shin and stealing one of his reindeer. Well, the Nap took aim at my coworker/friend this week and thus, the meltdown of emails began.
For some God unknown reason I have become the sounding board for all the hatred the little Nap has brought upon themselves. People seem to know my unspoken disdain for the Nap (like I give off a disapproval scent) and come to me to vent about this person. What a gift I have! I have been compiling this awful information for a year and haven't shared it with anyone but my poor husband. (Side note: why do men marry us? We complain and worry about everything!) Anyway, the information I have been compiling and the attack on my friend came to a head this week. Now, I am being forced to have lunch with this little Nap, their leader, and my leader next week. My first reaction is "hell to the no!" I would rather do (list a million awful things here) then to have to sit and fellowship over lunch with this little Nap.
And here is where I wish I were atheist today ... because this is what I would do. I would tell both leaders all the Naps dirty secrets!! I would tell all the bad things the Nap has done, and all the lies and deceit that have spewed from the Nap's lips! Then I would slap the Nap's face (hey that rhymed!) at lunch, spit in their food, turned the table over, beat my chest, and scream, "I'm going to Disneyland!"
Sigh......
But no .. it's just not that easy. You see, I was paid for with a price. I was bought with a covenant I do not understand, a penance I could never repay. I am a slave to the cross because our sin leads to death. Because I fear a God I so deeply believe in, but have never seen, I am tormented by my spirit man's willingness to give all of my life for Christ's sacrifices, and my flesh that demands her own way. I am angry tonight for the cost of my sins. The debt I cannot repay .... the blood that purchased my eternity.
I am angry tonight because the little Napoleon is me and the one in the office is a reflection of this. I hate both of us and I do not want to reconcile. I wish so bad I could believe the lie that is Atheism so I could just go on with my night ... this week I will need to find the strength to even want to sit through this lunch ... this week I will need to remember the price of the cross was for little Naps everwhere. This week I will need to find grace for both of us.
I told you, Atheism is easier.
Where was I? Oh yes, it's been an awful shxxxxxy week. (I don't even know how to spell that word, so I added a few extra x's to prove my point). I was called unprofessional and was reprimanded for an email I had sent. You would think that after my tirade above, it was something similar, but it really wasn't. I had entered into a situation where I felt I needed to protect my co-worker and sent an email trying to defend her. Who cares about the details .... the point is, this all stems from a little Napoleon.
Do you know what I'm talking about? That person at work who is probably smaller than you, and wishes they were about 15 feet tall with a huge penis? Yes, you know that person, male or female. This little Nap (because typing Napoleon takes forever, like just now) has been a sticky thorn in my side for about a year, or more like a zit on my butt that I cannot reach but (ha!) I can sense all the time. This individual is manipulating, deceitful, mean-spirited, etc ... but is so nice on the surface, with a sweet voice, that disliking the Nap would be like kicking Santa Claus in the shin and stealing one of his reindeer. Well, the Nap took aim at my coworker/friend this week and thus, the meltdown of emails began.
For some God unknown reason I have become the sounding board for all the hatred the little Nap has brought upon themselves. People seem to know my unspoken disdain for the Nap (like I give off a disapproval scent) and come to me to vent about this person. What a gift I have! I have been compiling this awful information for a year and haven't shared it with anyone but my poor husband. (Side note: why do men marry us? We complain and worry about everything!) Anyway, the information I have been compiling and the attack on my friend came to a head this week. Now, I am being forced to have lunch with this little Nap, their leader, and my leader next week. My first reaction is "hell to the no!" I would rather do (list a million awful things here) then to have to sit and fellowship over lunch with this little Nap.
And here is where I wish I were atheist today ... because this is what I would do. I would tell both leaders all the Naps dirty secrets!! I would tell all the bad things the Nap has done, and all the lies and deceit that have spewed from the Nap's lips! Then I would slap the Nap's face (hey that rhymed!) at lunch, spit in their food, turned the table over, beat my chest, and scream, "I'm going to Disneyland!"
Sigh......
But no .. it's just not that easy. You see, I was paid for with a price. I was bought with a covenant I do not understand, a penance I could never repay. I am a slave to the cross because our sin leads to death. Because I fear a God I so deeply believe in, but have never seen, I am tormented by my spirit man's willingness to give all of my life for Christ's sacrifices, and my flesh that demands her own way. I am angry tonight for the cost of my sins. The debt I cannot repay .... the blood that purchased my eternity.
I am angry tonight because the little Napoleon is me and the one in the office is a reflection of this. I hate both of us and I do not want to reconcile. I wish so bad I could believe the lie that is Atheism so I could just go on with my night ... this week I will need to find the strength to even want to sit through this lunch ... this week I will need to remember the price of the cross was for little Naps everwhere. This week I will need to find grace for both of us.
I told you, Atheism is easier.
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